How are you training people to treat you?

Just a thought to keep through the week-  if you’re struggling with a relationship in your life, perhaps a frustrating boss, an ex-boyfriend who won’t leave you alone or a friend who seems to be orbiting her on planet, recognize your role in your relationships.

We literally train people how to treat us- and recognizing our responsibility in the negative relationships we have in our life will help free up your heart and mind to solve the problems the relationship creates.  Whether you boss doesn’t seem to listen, have you been too meek to be taken seriously or feel insecure about your contribution to your job?  Do you sell yourself short? When was the last time you voiced your worth and demanded a raise?

As for your ex-boyfriend- if you answer his calls or secretly long to get back with him, your actions speak louder than your intentions!  Any friends you have that seem selfish or clueless have also been trained to treat the relationship that way and perhaps assume that you’re happy.

The actions you take or thus, don’t take train the people in your life to how to behave around you!

Sometimes it’s difficult and even painful to recognize your own responsibility in creating the relationship with others that you have.  We are all human, but our interactions and behaviors shape the continuation of that relationship.  It may seem impossible to acknowledge our responsibility, especially when our boss is a jerk or the guys we’re dating just don’t “get it,” but seeing what you’re doing to first create the situation, then to perpetuate the situation can be totally freeing.

Owning up to your participation in the situation will help you either stop it or walk away.

I realized a few weeks ago that while dating I was “training” guys to treat me a certain way. I would be disappointed that they weren’t gentlemen or romantic but realized I sent off a vibe that confused them, that I was too independent for sentiment  (by making them feel like I was too busy to date, and insisting on paying for the bill every time).  I built walls around myself and only attracted the wrong kind of guy.  I know we all do this kind of ‘training’ at work, in our family and in relationships- we feel guilty, lack trust or feel we aren’t worthy and people assume that’s how we want to be treated.

Of course we all go through rough patches or make mistakes in our relationships, but you have to voice your emotions and recognize that YOUR actions and attitudes play the biggest role in how people see and treat you!

Think about your relationships or interactions, can you see how “training” has been both a part of how you treat others and how you are treated?  

Breakups totally suck.  Trust me on this one- but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a profitable venture.  Trust me on that one too.

When you finally decide it’s time to move on you find yourself doing one of two things:  you either desperately hold on to any semblance of what love there was or you go on Ebay as soon as you’re done moping and purge everything that reminds you of them!

I’ve make it known that I recently officially ended it with a man I was really smitten with.  UGH.  For over two years we were on-again-off again…now that we’re off (like totally unplugged yo.)  …I was ready to have a sale!

From here on out- nobody lives in my head rent free and their stuff, no matter how lovely no longer shall live in my apartment!

Read more →

I’m single, and have been advised that I should not settle for anything in a relationship that would not be workable for the long term.   Some of my must-haves for a relationship are:  A college degree, love of pets {and yes, must love pugs}, at least 5’8″ or taller preferably…. and here’s one:  I don’t see a future with anyone who has debt.

People are usually supportive of my stringency when it comes to deal breakers, in fact- most of the people in my social circle encourage me to have requirements.  They, kindly enough, think I’m a catch (yay!) and want me to find a good match, even if it means being rather…particular about things.  But when it comes wanting a debt-free dude, am I being a jerk? Read more →

I might as well come clean- I’ve done this online dating thing. As much as most of us hate to admit it, it’s more common than we think, and as time goes on, I see more and more people finding long term relationships and even marriages from meeting people online (not always from dating sites either!).

For me, online dating sites have been a mixed bag. While I’ve met some very cool people- not all of which lead to something long term, but some lead to friendships.   I’ve also had my share of well- surprises…(It seems women love to downplay their weight according to my male friends, and from my experience, men love to play UP their height, and as a girl who is 5’8″ I’ve had some annoying surprises).

What sites should you use?

-Consider your budget. Match.com, Chemistry.com, Eharmony.com are all paid sites (even if they offer “free weekends”) and sites like OkCupid.com are free.  I know that CouponCactus.com offers cashback and discounts for several of these dating sites, so if you want a paid site, it’s a great way to save money.  (Note:  using a dating site on a “free week/end” may not generate leads, it usually serves as a ploy for you to find someone, then pay to communicate with them).
-Take some time to research how sites “match” you up with potentials. Each uses their own measurements, and if you’re not into the whole “woo-woo” compatibility tests, you can find one that just matches you up one-to-one based on straight forward questions about aspirations, politics, and opinions (Like Okcupid.com)

-Also take into consideration the cost. Just because you pay for a site doesn’t mean you’ll get better results. In fact, it might be a disappointment that you’ve found someone with potential and because they haven’t paid for their membership, you cannot communicate.

Things to Consider When Creating a Profile:

-Pick pictures that are flattering and highlight what you want to show off, but don’t smack of “editing.”   One of the classic tricks of people who are worried about their appearance or insecure about their weight will be to post photos with weird angles, odd lighting or the vast majority of their body cropped out of the picture.  Even if you are proud of what you’ve got, be aware that a photo that looks MySpace-esque could send the wrong message.

-Be very clear when creating your profile what you are looking for.  There are creepers out there, trolling the net for flings and hookups.  You can just let people know that you’re ready for something serious.

-Whatever you do, don’t air your dirty laundry.  It’s amazing how many profiles I’ve seen where people feel the need to relay that they’ve “had their heart broken,” or “don’t like douchebags.”  Sure, this may be true- but it leaves a first impression that you’re not over your past.

-Realize that someone seeing your profile will size you up very, very quickly- in fact, sometimes unfairly so.  They, like you, are just trying to sniff out potentials very quickly and weed out anyone that just doesn’t “fit,” or seems to be embellishing/hiding physical or personality traits.   If you’re not getting any leads, you might want to review your profile, have a friend look it over or simply review other potential dates you may have written off too quickly.

Consider Trying Other Online Tools:

-Meetup.com is a great way to connect with other people with similar interests.  Some meetups can be free (or really cheap if organizers want you to pitch in $1-5 for space rentals or food).

-Playing games online (not that I would suggest playing WoW, but hey…)  or chatting in forums about various topics instantly connects you to people with similar interests and lifestyles.    One of my good friends met her husband on a forum and got to talking….the rest is history.

Everyone I’ve spoken to to gather feedback about their online dating experiences has had different things to say.  I would recommend mixing up your tactics and trying different sites if one doesn’t work out.  I would also suggest you be very clear in your mind and on your profile about what you’re looking for.   When you find someone with potential, it’s easy to judge them based on a very limited profile- if someone holds potential, give them a chance.

The biggest gripe I’ve heard about online dating is that they just couldn’t “find someone interesting.”  The great potential of online dating is that it instantly connects you to a variety of people, the downside is that sometimes these connections can be easily dismissed based on false judgements or assessments of potential dates based on a truly limited number of factors.

My advice?   Stick to your guns on what you’re looking for in terms of values, life goals and interests- but be open minded when it comes to the person carrying those traits.  It might be tempting to write someone off based on a bad profile photo or a few initial nervous and fumbled conversations, but use your gut and be safe!

This post has been a draft for over two weeks.  It seemed like a great idea at the time, but I got scared.  I wrote the title and sat there, watching the cursor blink at me for several minutes before I hit the “Save Draft” button and walked away from it. What good was setting basllsy audacious goals if I wasn’t going to ballsy and share it with you?  So here it goes:

-I Want to Find A Marriage-Worthy Partner (and start a life together) Within 2 Years.

I’m past the point where I’m fascinated by shiny engagement rings or the prospect of finally getting that sexy little mixer on a wedding registry.  What I really want is a worthy partner- THAT is what excites me.  I want someone to build a life with, to wake up next to- to tackle the world together.  I can buy my own damn jewelry- but seriously, finding someone who is willing to cope with my faults and bring out the best in me?  That is something worth striving for.  I want someone worthy of making the “I do” to.

I have had my share of fancy dresses, fabulous presents, cake shoved in my face with loved ones, I’ve been very lucky in that department thus far, so the wedding isn’t what excites me (yes, Tiffany is rather nice, and I can plan quite a shindig)…but finding the man that will be the Mentos to my Diet Coke to propel our lives into the next stage of awesomeness?  I’m ready to shake it up.

-I Want to Do Something Phenomenal for My 25th Birthday in July!

Holy cr@p, that means I have like, three months???!  This is where I need your help.  Other than wanting Mickey Mouse inspired cupcakes and buying myself the much beloved Tiffany necklace I’ve been saving for (Silver anniversary..get it?25? eh???)

I would love to travel somewhere, or do something awesome and charitable, but what?   Is Habitat for Humanity feasible in the July heat?    Other problem- I don’t have a passport, but I could get one!  I wish I could go deliver TOMS shoes to kids in Argentina or lend aid to a community in need here or abroad, but how? HELP?  I want to have a journey of some kind…I do lots of fundraisers and have for years, which I love- but for 25, should I step out of my comfort zone and travel?

-I Want to Make More Money…Doing Something That Matters.

To be completely square with you, I barely make enough money now to stay afloat…luckily I have a buoy called “Dad” who keeps throwing me a line every once in awhile so I don’t sink while attempting to pay for grad school.  While I’m eternally grateful, I realize I’m too old to solicit my dad’s monetary pity.  I’m 24 years old, I should be making more money, even while in grad school.

As much as I’ve changed, the one common denominator is that I value community above all else.  Coming together with people for a cause, or to improve lives is what gets me up in the morning.  Part of my resentment towards the graduate program I’m in is because thus far, it has done nothing to enable my passion for community building and helping others.  In fact, I see people drowning in debt and stress over it…and at times I have- and it makes me so mad!

I need to take the power back.  I know I can do great things with a graduate degree- if only to teach me (the hard way) that our educational system isn’t functional.  Until I get that degree though, I need to do what I love and earn some money doing it.  I have had a few suggestions that I’m taking into consideration, but now that I’ve admitted to the world what I lack, I think I’ll need to speed up the thought process.   (and I’m always looking for suggestions!)

So here it is: My OFFICIAL vision board. This year, it’s all about “worthiness.”  I feel everyone is worthy enough to have love, wealth and prosperity, and you can’t be afraid of it and the work it takes to achieve it.

I know some people laugh at the idea of putting it on paper (like unmentionable-ex boyfriend), and yes, it totally makes me feel vulnerable (but isn’t it pretty?) but I thought it was worth sharing.  Not only does it make me more accountable, but I hope it will help push you towards taking a risk in exposing your dreams and goals, no matter how silly or scary.

Well now that my cat’s outta the bag- What do you dream about but are scared to admit?